12:53    A      

I don't even think its a good idea to post anything here. In the past when I was always depressed over some random thing I'd whine on here. I don't know what's wrong with me but I feel so much hate, for everything. I just feel full of hate and I don't show it, I don't feel anything. Around people I know or family I just act stoic or obsequious. In the past even when I would get so depressed I'd force myself to care about stuff, like say, weight etc etc or maybe I'd go walking or running to relieve anger. I don't even know why I feel so angry, I just feel this hate. Its all I feel anymore. I'm either blank, not wanting to cause any problems but when I'm alone I feel loathing hate for everything. I don't even think I really have a right to feel the way I do so I end up feeling resentment toward myself, but unlike before, instead of feeling sorry for myself or being sad..I just get more angry?

Like, earlier, I really was thinking of shooting myself just because I couldn't bring myself to kill someone else. I just want to blow my head off so I don't feel this rage anymore that I can't do anything about. Not because I'm sad. That's how much hate I feel, I don't know why I feel it. I feel this irrational fix of hatred and betrayl and I really don't know why. Its worst late at night when I can't sleep. Everything people do makes me angry, especially if someone tries giving me advice now. Ugh, I think I really just wish I could tell someone everything on my mind and just have them go "Yeah..its cool, I understand and I don't think you're so bad for how you feel." Fuck, maybe its how stubborn I am but I don't want any advice, even if I need direction. It just seems so pompous to me, I never really share my feelings anymore and lately I've felt a lot of truly fucked up things and I think now I'm old enough to realize, FINALLY, that people, nomatter what they say, honestly want to hear about really really deep, emotional and or disturbing feelings that only have relevance to you. Sure sure, they'll act polite usually, if they're nice, but does anyone really care? No.

Do I really WANT people to care? I guess not. When I use to rant, in retrospect, I wanted people to come and care. I'm just writing now because it feels good.

I'm sick of feeling guilt and hate. I don't walk anymore because thinking scares me. It upsets me. So many months ago I use to cherish thinking so much, I loved my walking time, late late at night in the twilight of the neighborhood. I'd think of ambitious dreams, meeting wonderful, beautiful people. Crazy fun times. Well, I think I've grown up finally because now I realize, people are people. There's no magical wonderful person who'll save me or make me feel important.


Everyone else is like me. Sure, we don't feel/like/or relate to the same things. We may hate each other. We may think nothing of each other or not know who the other person is, but in the grand scheme of things were all the same. There is no savior for me. There is no concept of "soul mates" to me. Its also how I finally embraced my own atheism. I'm not going to push my beliefs on other people either, I'm not like that. I don't think I'm "right", its just what works for me anymore.

I use to have lots of issues (I still do). I was an immature, selfish, dreaming, stargazer. Now I'm mainly selfish and self serving. I use to dream of so many things and I felt absolute hopelessness or I'd feel uplifting hope. I use to think the day I'd stop dreaming would be the day I'd really die, as cheesy as that sounds.

You know what's really sick? I find myself really fantasizing about hurting people, like, there's this girl who seems to be showing slight interest in me and I'm actually going to hang out with her tommorow at the lake. We've talked on the phone and on facebook, I don't know her a whole lot but she seems like a really nice, girl and she even knows what MANOS, HANDS OF FATE IS. Actually she really seems to want to see me badly and other people have been saying how excited she is and how she looks at my facebook. You know what I'm thinking? Keep in mind the kind of stuff I use to say years ago, back with Kassie, yada yada. You know how sensitive and over dramatic I use to be.

I think its pathetic. I hope when I see her tommorow she realizes I'm another guy, that I'm a selfish asshole. I won't be cruel to her, I'll be polite, like always, but I love fantasizing that our meeting tommorow just crushes her. I relish in it. I know thats sick, but I'd absolutely love it if she was smitten with me and I could rain on her parade. I hope, at least that when she truly sees me she feels sick that she ever spent more than a minute thinking of me.


Of course in reality nothing much will really happen. We'll probably become friends and it'll be just like that. I'm too much of a coward to really hurt her feelings and I don't have the charisma to bait her, make her feel really great then send her crashing down to reality. I'm just not built like that. Oh how I wish I was. I think by now I'd rather crush someone else than ever be loved. I think I feel so much hate and resentment for even the most non-offensive person that it just tickles me to think I could hurt someone like that. Maybe its because I want revenge for all the times I let myself be crushed when I was like that. I think its a stretch of my ego to think the girl feels even a fraction of the kind of unrequited obsession I've felt. But its nice to imagine.

I basically like to pretend I'm important. I've never been important. There, I fucking said it. I've always been second string, second tier. Time to feel sorry for myself for a minute but it doesnt matter, I'm looking forward to tommorow. I think just disapointing her will be good enough. I've heard so much about her excitement to meet me, I've even played along with her "cute" flerty PMs to me on facebook. I don't feel any sort of compassion to anyone, let alone someone I don't know. It'll be nice for my ego to have its special moment. A true birthday present I'd say. True brutal honesty. I love honesty.

current music = Wumpscut- Wreath of Barbs

7 will suffer my desire